Category Archives: Coping

“I Live With It, Too.”

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It was a high-tension day recently for both my husband and me, for reasons unrelated to MS. Stress levels reached the top and were in the red-flag zone.

It’s hard to be patient with some things. Sometimes patience runs out. Often, words are said that are not meant.

Snarky remarks over trivial things grew into an argument. He started yelling and swearing. I internalized it until my pressure cooker lid exploded. I started yelling and swearing back. The ugly exchange came to a head like this:

Me:  I have a disease of the nervous system. Don’t you understand what stress does to my MS?

Him: Yes, I do– I live with it too. Ruined my life.

I became speechless and retreated. It was true, and at that moment there was nothing more to be said.

Yes, MS affects both of our lives—socially, mentally, emotionally, financially. I may be the one suffering from things like pain, walking, fatigue, etc., but my husband feels the pain of watching me struggle and tries desperately to help reduce the painful struggles for both of us. We may walk in different shoes, but that doesn’t necessarily mean one pair is better or worse than the other. The irony is that neither of us would trade our shoes with each other.

The non-MSer can opt out. Lucky for me, my hubby didn’t. We survived MS together for 42 years of our marriage with a lot of difficulty. But it doesn’t end with just your partner.

The number of people living with MS is estimated to be one million in the USA, and 2.8 million worldwide.  Actually, the number of people REALLY living with MS is much larger when partners, children, other people that are part of our daily lives are considered. This includes many of our doctors and others treating MSers who try so hard to help us feel/do better but feel helpless when they can’t.

Need some tips, stories, and strategies for interpersonal relationships? Check out my book, Managing MS, or one of many of my relationship blog articles.

It’s a huge burden for a hell of a lot of people.

 

Debbie Petrina
Author of Managing MS 
       Kindle Unlimited
Moderator, MultipleSclerosis.net 

Personal and Private Meetings

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Is something hidden in your closet? Or do you need help decluttering it?

Everyone keeps things hidden in the back of their closet; I used to, but not anymore. If you were seeing a therapist/psychiatrist, would you tell? Or are you someone who thinks you don’t need one or can work things out on your own?

I am an open person with an open mind, mouth, ears. and eyes.  This is how I learn.  I’m also an open book and incredibly honest.  I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. If you have read my new release Managing MS, you found this out because of many personal stories shared, especially about some taboo subjects.

People learn from other people. My long life of 67 years (42 w/ MS) has given me constant reason to expose some of my private self.  By doing so, I can bring awareness and help to others even if it’s in the smallest way.

This week I had my three-month appointment with my psychiatrist. Because of current laws, this is required for me in order to get a prescription for sleeping pills. Initially. I was annoyed that I had to add a regular psychiatrist appointment to my already busy schedule for the sole purpose of pills. But I’ve come to look forward to these appointments for a variety of reasons.  She’s an anonymous, unbiased person who listens to me, talks with me, and stands by if I need a lifeline.

I’m a great listener; I’ve been told many times from many people over many years from those who talked with me in confidence. But there are times when Debbie needs a Debbie. I don’t like feeling alone about some things.

In the past, I’ve had short periods of behavioral therapy to work through some major problems life threw at me. Family deaths, an MS dx, disability and job loss to name a few. I learned coping tools from these therapies, through lifelong support groups and other instruction like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). What these regular appointments do is keep me on track with my own behavior. Sort of like how a regular performance review or staff meeting keeps you on track with your job.

My life lately has been chaotic, overwhelming, and stressful.  Knowing that this appointment was coming up this week steered me to hunker down and put my honest thoughts on paper. What’s my status, and what could I do? I wasn’t handling relationships well; I was oversensitive; I was angry that too many things in daily life were so difficult to do…  The world is changing so fast, I can’t keep up, and I felt like I was in quicksand. My cluttered closet needed organized.

I felt prepared when the appointment began and shared my situation. No, I wasn’t depressed; I had high anxiety and for me, there is a difference. No, I don’t want anything for my anxiety; it’s my own fault and I can fix that.  I had taken my DBT manual off the shelf to review. Yes–“Use more Teflon–Don’t let things stick.” “Let go of toxic people and things.”  “Set boundaries and say ‘no’.”  “Don’t ‘should’ yourself or others.” “Change what you can and accept what you can’t.”

Yes—accept that I AM older and have an advanced chronic illness.  A good friend recently said I was Wonder Woman, but that has backfired on me because I had set the bar too high for my own and others’ expectations of me.  Yes—don’t cheat yourself from retirement. Yes– watch inspirational documentaries and reading novels every afternoon while lying down to declutter the busy brain.

I can’t change the world, others, or my age; however, I can change how I deal with it. Personal, private meetings have value when you are comfortable with the person facing you. Validation and sincere feedback are important especially when it is unbiased and anonymous.

Airing out my closet and organizing it from time to time lessens my internal stress and recharges my batteries.

So, how is your closet?

 

Debbie Petrina
Author of Managing MS
Community Advocate for MultipleSclerosis.net 
www.DebbieMS.com

 

 

 

Is it Our Right to Die?

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Right to Die has been a sensitive subject and debated for decades. Some older folks like me  may remember names like the Hemlock Society and Dr. Jack  Kevorkian. It’s been considered taboo and carries a stigma.

People have debated the personal choices about their body for just as long—suicide, abortion, medications, dying, etc. Living with advanced MS, and aging, forces someone to think about the right to live or die for different reasons and in different ways.

An article  about Multiple Sclerosis and the Right to Die  was just posted by MultipleSclerosis.net, an online Health-Union community. Kudos to the writer and the administration for allowing this article to be shared. The article explains Right to Die from the perspective of an MS patient, whose quality of life becomes severely diminished due to pain and other physical, mental, and emotional limitations.

Add in self-dignity and humility. I have been traumatized too many times to count from the loss of my bladder and bowels in public. Even when hospitalized, having a nurse clean up after an accident in bed is humiliating. I could write another book on this subject alone.

Many comments were quickly added to support and share the words written. I added this partial comment in response to the article to point out other thought-provoking reasons:

I agree whole-heartedly with the comments made so far. I would like to add there are additional reasons a patient may desire assisted suicide beyond their (no) quality of life. It’s personal, but I feel compelled to share this.

I am currently involved in my 90-year-old mother’s dire health situation.  She fell In January, broke some ribs, and was erroneously given a pain med that caused an horrific adverse drug reaction with another med she was taking.  It left her in a condition requiring 24-hr. in-home care for two months.  Being the only sibling living in AZ, I recently arranged to transfer her to a senior care facility for her benefit and that of my 90-yr. old stepdad.  It’s a physical, emotional, mental, and financial nightmare for us all, and her future is not in her hands.  Last week, I sat down with my husband to say I don’t ever want to put him and my son through this.  While I’m too old to advocate for right to die, I plan on writing about it on my own.

It is heartbreaking, gut-wrenching when someone you love is telling you how terrible they feel and begging for help; and the only thing you can do is hold their hand and be there with them.  Yes, there is end-of-life care nowadays, but it isn’t always the best path for everyone.

Maybe it should be phrased, “The Right to Choose to Die”.

The Hemlock Society’s motto was “Good Life-Good Death”.  For some, yes; for too many others, no.

What is your reaction or thoughts about this?

*************

Debbie Petrina
Author of Managing MS
Community Advocate for MultipleSclerosis.net 
www.DebbieMS.com

Why MS Doesn’t Scare Me Anymore

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“Overcoming Fear”

January 11, 2015

Fear can be paralyzing. It interferes or overtakes one’s thoughts and actions. Fear causes immense stress. People with MS are confronted with it before, during and after diagnosis constantly. After all, there is no cure for MS, no two cases are alike, and it is highly unpredictable in its course.

To make matters worse, fear is intensified by what is read or said by others, health professionals and social media. The fear of ending up in a wheelchair or becoming very mobility impaired; the fear of losing cognitive abilities, the fear of losing employment or becoming incapacitated….

Even MS Associations who try to portray MS in a positive light often unintentionally create fear due to their messages of “get on a treatment ASAP” or “you need to call your doctor…” Lately, all of the emphasis on cognitive issues causes misconceptions that losing one’s mental faculties is inevitable; or a memory problem such as brain fog is due to MS.

I lived with that fear of the unknown, and with the thoughts of the many “what-if scenarios.” After my first ten years of living with MS, I didn’t fear it anymore; and I still don’t.

Why not?

• As time went, I realized that the more knowledge and experience I gained, the less fear I had. I got to know my body relative to my own MS patterns and responses, adjusted my lifestyle, and learned how to manage both my MS and my personal life. I felt more in control of my MS; the more control I acquired, the less fear I had. Yes—MS is a manageable disease.

The most common triggers of MS symptoms are stress, fatigue, and temperature/weather changes. Learning how to manage these triggers usually settle the symptoms down and prevent a relapse. By not managing them, they will become chronic which will lead to a flare/relapse.

• Research taught me that statistics were on my side. Here are some major fears, with research to show that they are not as bad as many think:

**It is estimated that 40-50% of people with MS experience mild to moderate impairment; severe cognitive decline like dementia are extremely rare (source: MSIF.org). Check out this MS post—“Are Cognitive Problems Blamed Too Much on MS?”

** Over a lifetime, only 20-25% end up confined to a wheelchair. That was the statistic in 1980, and it probably is less today due to the development of the disease-modifying drugs that have been available since the mid-90’s.” Check out this post “The Truth about MS and Wheelchairs”

**There are more benign cases of MS than publicized. For example, a current starting point is to get specific data on DMT’s from reliable sources. On Page 13 of “The Use of Disease-Modifying Therapies in MS: Principles and Current Evidence” (The MS Coalition– http://bit.ly/1oEnTqY ), the colleagues point out that 50% of persons diagnosed will have “benign MS”. People with benign MS will have an Expanded Disability Status Score (EDSS) 6 and 23% had converted to SPMS.
Read closely, and always double-check hear-say. Another post to read–“Where and how to get your information.”

• Reaching out and accepting support from family, friends and the MS community helps immensely in minimizing stress. My physical, mental and emotional states were significantly improved. I wasn’t alone. Those that really want to help—let them and tell them how.

• Having a focus on overall wellness and health is a priority. When one feels better physically, one will also feel better emotionally and mentally. It is common sense but it’s amazing how many people lose sight of this. In addition, I take all measures to prevent flus, colds, sickness and injuries. These will lead to relapses, thus frequently resulting in MS progression.

• The advancements in research for treatments and a cure have been increasing exponentially. It WILL happen in your lifetime.

• The brain is a powerful organ, and it is gratifying that brain health is finally being addressed. The brain CAN be retrained and repair itself to a certain degree. I had symptoms for years that I no longer have.

I’m an ol’ MS vet, and there are many of us out there. We are folks who have lived and survived MS well for decades, and most would agree with what I just wrote. We know, and we are a positive group. And more positivity will also reduce fear.

It took me ten years to get over my fear of having MS; nowadays, that span of time should be much shorter. After all, it was still the dark ages for both MS and me between 1980 and 1990. Times have changed.

www.DebbieMS.com
Author, MS Counselor, Living with MS

What MSers Really Need from Others

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“The chronically ill, too.”

Even though this post was written for a MS Blog, the following list can apply to supporters of patients who are chronically ill. As an MS patient myself who was trained as a MS peer counselor thirty years ago, I found myself talking with and listening to patients who were chronically ill with something else.

This list is for family, friends, co-workers, health care professionals…i.e. the people we associate with in our lives. While it seems to be simple and just common sense, it is amazing how many folks say the wrong things or don’t even know what to say.*

1. Empathy vs. Sympathy
Most MSers don’t want you to feel sorry for them. They want you to try and understand MS and their symptoms/problems. Visualize putting yourselves in their shoes.

2. Listening vs. Talking
Sometimes MSers like to talk about MS and sometimes they do not. If they wish not to talk or get emotional, do not take it personally or compare them to others. More often than not, they need others to listen to them.

3. Inspiration vs. Reality
Inspiration is vital and wanted. However, there are times when MSers are so sick or fatigued, they don’t want cheerleading, humor, or advice. Give hugs and be sensitive to their feelings.

4. Knowledge and Support
The more accurate knowledge that is obtained from reliable sources, the less fear there will be. The more support that a MSer has from whom they interact with, the easier it will be for them to manage their MS, lives, and adjustments. What kind of support? Just ask the patient, or offer to do something to make their life easier (like make a meal, watch kids, do laundry…).

*Here is a link to view my background/credentials http://debbiems.com/about-debbie_269.html

www.Debbiems.com
Author/MS Counselor/Living with MS

The Optimist and the Pessimist

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“Attitude is Everything”

August 6, 2014

I am an optimist. My husband is a pessimist. If I say “wow, the sky is so blue”, he’ll say “I hate the sun, I like it cloudy.”

They say opposites attract but sometimes I don’t know how I have survived 36 years of marriage with a person who is a pessimist.

My husband and I just got back from a mini camping trip in our RV and truthfully, it really was frustrating. It rained constantly for almost the entire trip, so we were confined to stay in the RV. For me, it was cozy listening to the rain while reading a novel and watching movies. For him, he seemed to complain about everything and didn’t even want to play cards with me.

After being in this situation, I started writing a post about why the need to vent from time to time is essential to your health. This morning I was going to finish it when I came across this article about optimism and pessimism in the newspaper. I felt like it was written for me.

This article is so important, I once again decided to postpone my post-in-process and share this. Not only is optimism necessary to survive life, it is necessary to survive MS. Pessimistic people drag you down, something that is not good if you are trying to cope with a chronic illness.

Optimism trumps pessimism in workplace, life

President Harry S. Truman once said, “A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities, and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties.”

Which do you think will reach their goals, live a happy life and achieve their dreams?

Imagine interviewing two people who have identical skills, but one is always grumbling about how unfair life can be, while the other one talks about what wonderful possibilities exist.

Naturally, you would gravitate toward the optimist. If you choose the pessimist, you would be setting yourself up for plenty of aggravation and disappointment, not to mention the negative impact on your staff and customers. Pessimism can bring everyone down, not just the person with the negative attitude.

Pessimism is nothing more than self-sabotage. Expecting only the worst is not being realistic. Realists hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Pessimists can’t imagine the best, so they prepare for the worst. And then if the worst never happens? Pessimists often find the worst possible result simply to prove that their concerns were right.

The question becomes, would you rather be right than be happy? That’s not being realistic, either. That’s being self-defeating. Pessimism can rob you of your energy, sap you of your strength and drain you of your dreams.

Optimism is the remedy. Optimism doesn’t mean pre¬tending life is always wonderful. Optimism means embracing reality. You accept that there will be bad days, but also good days. When you’re grounded in reality, you know where you are and how far you need to go. Once you know how far your goal may be from where you are, optimism can give you the motivation to make plans to get to where you want to go.

Pessimists see life as one problem after another. Optimists see life as one opportunity after another.

How you look at life can drastically affect how much you enjoy your life. Optimists expect the best out of life.

Does it make sense that pessimists tend to blame others or circumstances for their failures?

Optimists help create some of the good they come to expect, so they are probably right more often than not — and they don’t waste time worrying about what they’re not right about. Optimism relaxes people. When we’re relaxed, there is better blood flow to the brain, which results in more energy and creativity in your life.

There is virtually nothing that you can’t do if you set your mind to it. You cannot control events in your life, but you can control how you react.

Do you want to be a pessimist and have no hope for a better future? Or would you rather be an optimist and believe you can achieve a better future?

Mackay’s Moral: Attitude is the mind’s paintbrush — it can color any situation.

Harvey Mackay is the author of the New York Times best-seller “Swim With the Sharks Without Being Eaten Alive.” He can be reached through his website, harveymackay.com, or by e-mailing harvey@mackay.com.

In my situation, I learned years ago how to ignore or escape my husband’s negativity. While I succeeded most of the time, the times that I couldn’t get away from it caused tremendous stress. Not only did the stress impact my MS symptoms negatively, it would make me moody and stifle my motivation to move forward. Fortunately, I am a strong-willed person and almost always found alternative sources of optimism (e.g. friends, enjoyable interests/activities…) to lift me up before I got dragged into the depths of an abyss.

Now, in all fairness, my husband is a great guy and has many positive attributes. None of us is perfect. I am a sensitive person who cries easily or pouts. Personality traits are difficult to change; a person has to recognize a change needs to be made and then take great effort to make the changes. But this is a slow process that requires much patience.

If you don’t live with a pessimistic person, it’s easy to get away from him/her. An optimist living with a pessimist will be a lethal combination if coping mechanisms can’t be accomplished.

I know from experience. And I know that one of main reasons I have survived managing my MS is because I am an optimist. Attitude is everything.

www.DebbieMS.com
Author/MS Counselor/Living with MS

New Beginnings in Life

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“Entering the Unknown”

May 14, 2012

I ran into my neighbor’s son yesterday and he told me that he was graduating from high school.  When I asked him if he was excited about going to the university, he admitted he was nervous.  It is out-of-state and he will know nobody.

The fear of the unknown.

As we journey through our years of life, we have many new beginnings that we will encounter, some big and some small.  Some we choose and some we don’t. Our first day of kindergarten, our first kiss, our first menses.  Our first fender-bender, marriage, house, baby and loss of a job or loved one…. The diagnosis of a disease or serious illness.   At first, we don’t know where to start or what to expect with each of these new beginnings.

Some things turn out easier than expected, and some end up being more difficult.  Many things happen to us that are unpredictable and out of our control.  We need help to figure things out, find it through a variety of means, and most of the time we learn how to manage.

As we proceed, the unknown becomes more known and the fear becomes less fearful.

A huge new beginning in my life was the onset of multiple sclerosis in 1980.  Anyone dealing with MS knows it requires constant learning and adjusting to new obstacles, lifestyles, and goals.  This incurable, complicated, and unpredictable neurological disease is a full-time job with many new beginnings in itself and lots of unknowns to face.

But I learned the ropes in managing it so that I could enjoy life, despite the setbacks.  Along the way I also had to achieve other things in life, such as motherhood, career changes, moving across the country and having to live on my own for three years while in a wheelchair.

Now I am involved with another new beginning. I chose to become an author and write a book.  Recently published, I wrote Managing MS: Straight Talk from a Thirty-One-Year Survivor for the primary goal of helping persons dealing with multiple sclerosis.  I get up close and personal when I share my experiences and expertise from my own life’s journey in this handbook.

Once again, this new frontier to explore has been a big challenge. The world of publishing and marketing books has changed drastically in recent years because of social media.  I’m slowly transforming from a dinosaur to a new chick in this technological arena and it hasn’t been easy.

Though frustrating, I’m not afraid of the unknown anymore.  I will read, experiment, and ask for help when needed in learning how to accomplish my mission.

I so desperately want to succeed, but I’ve also learned to be patient and just do my best.  Life has taught me this, particularly a life living with MS.

www.debbiems.com